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YOU MIGHT BE A UNITED METHODIST IF......

  • you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed
  • you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device
  • "The Upper Room" is an essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper
  • you felt that the NCAA penalties against SMU football were too harsh
  • you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts
  • you sit while singing "Stand up, stand up for Jesus"
  • you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn
  • tithing is encouraged but widely ignored
  • half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns
  • the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine * you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease
  • your pastor has a hyphenated last name
  • names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar
  • you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament
  • the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah"
  • you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it
  • you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London
  • your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint
  • you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't fell you're missing out
  • you realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease
  • your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way
  • your pastor responds to you with, "I hear you saying....."
  • there's at least one person in every church meeting who say, "But we've never done it that way before"
  • your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men
  • you accept the fact that the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues
  • you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes
  • you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave
  • you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date
  • you think "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers
  • you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister
  • "Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service
  • you feel a twinge of guilt when you sing "Onward Christian Soldiers" with gusto
  • you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why
  • your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads
  • you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee (or PPR, Trustees, Finance, etc.)
  • you've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion
  • the members of the Friendship class are always fighting among themselves
  • you realize that sprinkling, pouring an immersing are not ways of seasoning food
  • you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday
  • you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel
  • you have to fight through a cadre of "designated greeters" to get into the sanctuary
  • when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn

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